


So Long And Lost

by spockandawe



Series: Between Two Lungs [1]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Canon Asexual Character, Consent, First Time, M/M, Sexual Content, Transcribed, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-05
Updated: 2020-02-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:34:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22568686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spockandawe/pseuds/spockandawe
Summary: MARTINJon. I know this all isn’t really… your thing. God, that’s a terrible way to put it. I mean, I mean that I don’t want you feeling like you have to do something you’re uncomfortable with, just because I might like it.ARCHIVISTI’m not uncomfortable with this.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan Sims
Series: Between Two Lungs [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1628680
Comments: 29
Kudos: 287





	So Long And Lost

**Author's Note:**

> [Tumblr](https://spockandawe.tumblr.com/post/190656430001/so-long-and-lost-spockandawe-the-magnus)/[Twitter](https://twitter.com/spockandawe/status/1224924018773504000)

[TAPE CLICKS ON.]

[WE HEAR INDISTINCT SOFT NOISES AND OCCASIONAL IRREGULAR BREATHS. AS TIME PASSES, WE BECOME AWARE THAT WE ARE LISTENING TO TWO PEOPLE KISS.]

[PAUSE.]

[ONE PERSON SIGHS AS THE OTHER TAKES A SLOW, UNSTEADY BREATH.]

 **ARCHIVIST**  
Now then. Shall we—

 **MARTIN**  
Hang— Hang on, Jon. It, it isn’t that— 

[HE MAKES A FRUSTRATED NOISE.]

 **MARTIN (CONT’D)**  
It’s not that this isn’t… _amazing_. It is. Or, or at least I hope you know I think it is.

 **ARCHIVIST**  
_(overlapping)_ Of course.

 **MARTIN**  
Oh, good. I mean, not that I ought to be making a fuss over that now, but— 

Jon. I know this all isn’t really… your thing. God, that’s a terrible way to put it. I mean, I mean that I don’t want you feeling like you have to do something you’re uncomfortable with, just because _I_ might like it.

 **ARCHIVIST**  
I’m not… uncomfortable with this.

 **MARTIN**  
Or even something that you just, just don’t _want._ We’ve— _You’ve_ had enough— 

[PAUSE.]

 **MARTIN (CONT’D)**  
_(quietly)_ Please don’t act like you don’t know what I mean. If it’s one or the other— I’d rather have nothing at all than have something you didn’t want to give me.

 **ARCHIVIST**  
I… do know what you mean. 

[PAUSE.]

 **ARCHIVIST (CONT’D)**  
_(exhale)_ I’m not trying to talk myself into something unpleasant, just so you’re aware. I’m looking for the right way to… explain. It isn’t exactly something that comes up often in conversation.

[MARTIN LAUGHS ONCE, SOFTLY.]

 **MARTIN**  
That— That is good to hear. Thank you.

 **ARCHIVIST**  
You aren’t wrong. About me. I’ve never seen the appeal, personally. At the very least, I’ve never felt the _urge_ in the way many of my peers seemed to.

 **MARTIN**  
There. Right. Th— Then we’re done with that, and we, we don’t need to— 

**ARCHIVIST**  
Martin. One moment. So I never felt particularly drawn to the act, as it were. But after some time, watching so many people make such a fuss, simple curiosity did its work on me and I eventually decided to sample it for myself.

 **MARTIN**  
_(agitated, overlapping)_ Jon, I already said— 

**ARCHIVIST**  
In many ways, it wasn’t a terribly enlightening experience, and I remained rather lost about the appeal of the whole thing. I didn’t really have answers, but it didn’t look like I was going to find them that way, so I never saw the point of pursuing it further— 

_(suddenly)_ Martin? You’re upset.

 **MARTIN**  
I, I— _Yes,_ I’m upset! I— I tried to tell you that you didn’t need to do this, and then I tried to tell you that I didn’t _want_ it, not if you didn’t, and I get this feeling that now you’re working your way around into explaining to me why none of this is actually a big deal, even though you don’t want it in the first place.

[PAUSE.]

 **ARCHIVIST**  
Let me try again. Please, bear with me.

 **MARTIN**  
_(quietly)_ Fine. 

**ARCHIVIST**  
I don’t find it unpleasant. I’m not uncomfortable with the act. I don’t generally seek it out, but I don’t… mind it. If you— It isn’t unlike doing the laundry. I won’t look for excuses to do the laundry more often than I need to, but I don’t avoid thinking about it. It doesn’t bother me when I need to wash my clothes. It’s a neutral activity, as it were.

 **MARTIN**  
_(strained)_ I don’t want to be a chore to you.

[THE ARCHIVIST SIGHS.]

 **ARCHIVIST**  
You know, I think I could have saved us both some trouble if I’d bothered to think through _how_ to explain this before now. Let me see. I don’t understand the appeal of, of _sex._ Not for myself. But I’ve been around enough other people who feel differently to understand that it isn’t the same for them. I’ve been with enough _partners_ to see, firsthand, that it isn’t the same for them. 

[PAUSE]

 **ARCHIVIST (CONT’D)**  
I’m not the only one in the bed, to put it bluntly. I’d like to see you… happy. And as little as the act moves me, I am still rather curious, and I do very much like having the opportunity to, ah. _Observe._

[MARTIN IS STARTLED INTO A LAUGH.]

**MARTIN**  
_Oh._

**ARCHIVIST**  
_(embarrassed)_ Yes, well.

 **MARTIN**  
_(overlapping)_ So it’s, um.

 **ARCHIVIST**  
Yes, ‘observe’, _fine,_ moving on— The point being. If it’s something you’d enjoy—do correct me if I’m wrong, but it sounds like it is. If it’s something you’d enjoy, it’s something I’d enjoy. Something I’d enjoy _too._ Perhaps not in the same… way as you. But still. I’m not trying to throw myself into something unpleasant, and I’m certainly not trying to treat you as a… chore.

 **MARTIN**  
You’re, you’re _sure_ that you haven’t just— It’s not another thing where you’ve figured out what’s supposed to be _best_ for everyone else, and are going along with it even if it turns out worst for you?

 **ARCHIVIST**  
It’s not like that.

 **MARTIN**  
You’re _certain?_

 **ARCHIVIST**  
Martin… _(sighs)_ Can you trust that I wouldn’t do that here? For something like this?

[PAUSE.]

 **MARTIN**  
_(quietly)_ I want to.

 _(even more quietly)_ Will you promise?

 **ARCHIVIST**  
_(without hesitation)_ I promise.

[THERE IS SILENCE FOR SEVERAL SECONDS, THEN THE SOUND OF SOMEONE SHIFTING IN PLACE.]

 **ARCHIVIST (CONT’D)**  
Unless I’ve thoroughly ruined the mood right now, of course.

 **MARTIN**  
No, it’s— Sorry, I, I just— It’s a lot to take in. All at once. _Sorry—_

 **ARCHIVIST**  
_(overlapping)_ No, don’t be.

 **MARTIN**  
Sorry. I mean— _(exhale)_ I’m fine, really. Honest. I just… don’t know how we, you know, get back on track, after a detour like that.

 **ARCHIVIST**  
Hm, yes. That is a part of the process I’m not terribly familiar with.

 **MARTIN**  
_(laughs)_ Me neither, really.

[PAUSE.]

 **ARCHIVIST**  
Why don’t we start with the basics, I suppose. What do _you_ want?

 **MARTIN**  
_(immediately)_ Everything. Anything.

[THERE IS A MUTUAL STUNNED SILENCE.]

 **MARTIN (CONT’D)**  
Wait, did you just—?

 **ARCHIVIST**  
_(overlapping)_ Oh, _damn,_ Martin— I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to— 

**MARTIN**  
No, it— _(laugh)_ It’s fine, just, just a bit of a surprise.

 **ARCHIVIST**  
Still, I didn’t… intend to do that. I’ll try not to do it again. Can I take back a question once I’ve asked it? I suppose I haven’t really had a chance to experiment with how far things go and such. I suppose for the moment I’ll just have to avoid… asking anything.

 **MARTIN**  
Really, it’s fine. I _have_ put some thought into this. As long as you don’t go digging on purpose for, for something bad, or something painful, I don’t mind. Do you have any idea how hard it is to avoid conversational questions?

[THE ARCHIVIST STARTS TO SPEAK, THEN HESITATES.]

 **ARCHIVIST**  
Did you—?

 **MARTIN**  
Yes, well. _(laughs)_ I won’t lie, I’d thought up that one before. But really, it’s because I have spent some time thinking through all this.

 **ARCHIVIST**  
_(sighs)_ If you’re certain.

 **MARTIN**  
_(firmly)_ I am. 

_(more softly)_ I do know you… fairly well at this point, I’d say. I spent a lot of time thinking about, about _everything,_ really.

[THERE IS THE NOISE OF A SOFT KISS.]

 **MARTIN (CONT’D)**  
I don’t mind it, honest. These days, it’d feel a bit odd if it _wasn’t_ a part of you.

 **ARCHIVIST**  
Even if I were to, say… I wonder what would happen if I asked what you wanted me to do first.

[MARTIN’S BREATH CATCHES.]

 **ARCHIVIST (CONT’D)**  
Yes, it does seem like that has some promise.

 **MARTIN**  
_(unsteadily)_ Jon— 

**ARCHIVIST**  
And at any point, I could ask you what you were thinking. What you were feeling. How does that sound?

 **MARTIN**  
I, I want it. Jon, I— 

**ARCHIVIST**  
I could even ask you what you wanted me to do next, every step of the way. What do you think of that?

 **MARTIN**  
That— _(hesitates)_ It sounds… I’m, I’m not sure— 

**ARCHIVIST**  
_(overlapping)_ Ah. Not that part, then. I’ll make a note.

 **MARTIN**  
_(exhales)_ Thank you.

[THERE IS THE SOUND OF KISSING FOR SEVERAL SECONDS. THE KISSING CONTINUES, BUT WE ALSO HEAR THE SOUND OF CLOTH SHIFTING. THE KISS BREAKS, AND INSTEAD, WE HEAR UNSTEADY BREATHING.]

 **ARCHIVIST**  
[WE HEAR FAINT STATIC.]

Is this good?

 **MARTIN**  
_(immediately)_ It is, of course it is. _(laughs helplessly)_ But you know, I think just about _anything_ you did right now would, would be good.

[THE ARCHIVIST MAKES A SATISFIED NOISE.]

 **ARCHIVIST**  
Will you tell me if anything… _stops_ being good?

 **MARTIN**  
I will.

 **ARCHIVIST**  
Excellent. Now then— 

[WE HEAR SOMEONE SHIFT, AND THEN THE SOUND OF A ZIPPER. MARTIN INHALES SHARPLY.]

 **ARCHIVIST (CONT’D)**  
I’ll have some difficulty asking you questions directly in a moment. But I’d still like to hear from you. _(quiet laugh)_ I’ll take your statement, as it were.

[THERE IS THE SOUND OF FABRIC MOVING.]

 **MARTIN**  
_(unsteadily)_ Jon, _Jon,_ I— 

**ARCHIVIST**  
Put your hand on my head— Just like that.

[THERE ARE QUIET, INDISTINCT SOUNDS. MARTIN GASPS AND MAKES A MUFFLED NOISE.]

 **MARTIN**  
It, it feels good. _Jon,_ I— _(slow, shuddering inhale)_ It’s warm, it’s so soft. But, but also, your hands— _(disbelieving laugh)_ I’m not sure how you expect me to describe _anything_ right now. This is, it’s, it’s a _lot,_ I hope you know that.

[THE ARCHIVIST MAKES AN INDISTINCT SOUND.]

 **MARTIN (CONT’D)**  
Yes, right, hand on your head. Got it. I hope you don’t, don’t want me directing you. I don’t know if I— _(hesitates, breathing)_ I, I could just look at you for ages, you know that? I don’t mean just like this, though, but this is— There’s this look you get on your face when you’re concentrating, did you know? And it’s lucky for me, because it means you’re less likely to notice me looking.

[PAUSE. WE CAN STILL HEAR THE QUIET, STEADY NOISES AND MARTIN’S BREATHING.]

 **MARTIN (CONT’D)**  
And right now you’re concentrating on _me,_ is what I was getting to. Which you do other times too, but this— _(gasps) Jon,_ I didn’t, I didn’t expect this to happen, are you _sure—_

[THERE IS A SOFT SOUND.]

 **ARCHIVIST**  
I am sure, yes. I have done this before, you know. Back in the day, I wasn’t half bad at it. What do you think?

 **MARTIN**  
_(laughs)_ You need to ask? You’re— amazing. 

**ARCHIVIST**  
Well, if that’s settled… 

**MARTIN**  
_(overlapping)_ Wait.

[PAUSE]

 **ARCHIVIST**  
Something… wrong?

 **MARTIN**  
No, not— not _wrong,_ exactly. Just… _(hesitates)_ What if we did something— Where you were able to, to talk to me. While things are, um, happening. If that’s okay with you?

 **ARCHIVIST**  
Of course. Is there anything you— No, wait. _(sigh)_ It really is too easy to ask questions without realizing it. Let me see. What if we— 

[THERE IS THE SOUND OF PEOPLE SHIFTING ON A MATTRESS.]

 **ARCHIVIST (CONT’D)**  
Like this, perhaps?

 **MARTIN**  
_(slowly)_ Perhaps. It’s only… Could we— Face each other? It’s only, I’d like to be able to, to _see_ you.

 **ARCHIVIST**  
Ah, yes, so you can _look_ at me, correct?

**MARTIN**  
_(embarrassed) Jon._

**ARCHIVIST**  
What, isn’t that— Well. I suppose that is somewhat awkward to, ah, say. Outside of the moment, I mean.

 **MARTIN**  
Yes, I’d say so.

 **ARCHIVIST**  
Just let me kick off my trousers and we’ll sort this out. 

**MARTIN**  
Kick off your—? Jon, you don’t need to— Look, I can just finish by, by myself, or not at all, or work something else out, I don’t want you to feel like you have to— 

[THERE IS THE SOUND OF FABRIC DROPPING TO THE FLOOR.]

 **ARCHIVIST**  
I don’t feel like I have to do anything. But it is a little less than comfortable to be lying in bed fully clothed, don’t you think? Speaking of which, let me help you out of those. Your pants too. And why don’t you go ahead and take your shirt off?

[MARTIN MAKES SOME HALF-VOICED PROTESTS, BUT MORE FABRIC IS DROPPED TO THE FLOOR.]

 **ARCHIVIST (CONT’D)**  
Would you rather have left all your clothes on?

 **MARTIN**  
_(embarrassed)_ No, not really. 

**ARCHIVIST**  
If you would like to have an extended discussion about how much clothing is necessary for sex, we could always do that. Or you could join me here instead.

[THERE IS THE SOUND OF BODIES SHIFTING ON THE MATTRESS.]

 **ARCHIVIST (CONT’D)**  
Yes, right there.

 **MARTIN**  
You’re sure? I, I mean, how far are you expecting this to go?

 **ARCHIVIST**  
Well. _(hesitates)_ I’d prefer not to go… all the way, as it were. That generally seemed like more trouble than it was worth, whichever way around. And I don’t have any of the necessary supplies.

 **MARTIN**  
_(relieved)_ Oh, good. Just to be sure we’re on the same page, you know?

 **ARCHIVIST**  
You’re comfortable?

 **MARTIN**  
Of course. And… _you’re_ comfortable?

 **ARCHIVIST**  
Perfectly. 

**MARTIN**  
I can move off you a bit— 

**ARCHIVIST**  
No, don’t. It’s rather cozy like this, don’t you think? I quite like it. 

**MARTIN**  
_(sighs)_ If you’re sure.

 **ARCHIVIST**  
Mm.

[WE HEAR THE KISSING BEGIN AGAIN, SLOWLY AT FIRST. WITH TIME IT BECOMES FASTER AND MORE INTENSE. THERE ARE SEVERAL MUFFLED NOISES. THEN, BODIES SHIFT AND MARTIN GASPS.]

**MARTIN**  
_Jon—_

**ARCHIVIST**  
Oh, hell. Sorry. Was it the scars? I should have thought— 

**MARTIN**  
What? _(breathless laugh)_ Sorry, I— Did you think you— you hurt me?

 **ARCHIVIST**  
_(embarrassed)_ Well it didn’t exactly sound… comfortable.

 **MARTIN**  
_(trying not to laugh)_ No, that’s not— That’s not an issue. _(more seriously)_ But hold on, does your hand hurt? It looks healed up, but if it isn’t— 

**ARCHIVIST**  
No, no, it’s fine. Not an issue. _(grumpy)_ But if it wasn’t the scars, I don’t know what the problem was.

[PAUSE.]

 **MARTIN**  
Problem?

 **ARCHIVIST**  
_(overlapping)_ Yes, I don’t know what I did wrong for you to make a noise like that—

 **MARTIN**  
Wrong? _(hesitating)_ That wasn’t… a bad noise, you know that, right?

 **ARCHIVIST**  
Then what was it for?

 **MARTIN**  
Jon. _(helpless laugh)_ It’s… because it’s _you._ You know that right?

[PAUSE.]

 **MARTIN (CONT’D)**  
Ask me what I’m feeling.

 **ARCHIVIST**  
_(sulky)_ Fine. What are you feeling?

 **MARTIN**  
_(audibly smiling)_ I’m… so happy to be here. With you. I can’t believe it’s happening. I can’t believe you’re _here._ It’s all a lot, and I’m still trying to get used to everything, but I can’t remember the last time I was this happy.

 **ARCHIVIST**  
_(embarrassed, but pleased)_ Yes, I— Good. That’s— good. Martin, I… 

**MARTIN**  
You don’t have to tell me right now, if you’d rather not. I’d like to hear it, eventually. But it can wait a little while.

 **ARCHIVIST**  
_(heavy sigh)_ Thank you.

[THERE IS THE SOUND OF A LONG, DRAWN-OUT KISS.]

 **ARCHIVIST (CONT’D)**  
Now, then. To be clear, you’re telling me is that it’s _good_ when I do this?

[MARTIN GASPS AND CHOKES BACK A NOISE.]

 **MARTIN**  
Yes, it— It’s good.

 **ARCHIVIST**  
I see. _(bodies shift)_ Then I’d presume that _this_ is pleasant as well?

 **MARTIN**  
_(one breathless laugh)_ It definitely is.

 **ARCHIVIST**  
What else are you thinking?

 **MARTIN**  
I, I’m thinking that you could do just about anything to me now, and I’d love you for it. I’m thinking I’m so _lucky_ that I can’t actually believe it. I can’t believe I’m here now, and watching you watch me. I wish you could, could get this view that I have, because I couldn’t look away right now if I tried— 

**ARCHIVIST**  
Oh, I don’t know. The view I have from down here has its own merits.

[THERE ARE QUIET, STEADY SOUNDS. MARTIN’S BREATHING IS BECOMING RAGGED.]

 **ARCHIVIST (CONT’D)**  
You’re keeping very still right now. Is there a reason?

 **MARTIN**  
I just, I just don’t want to make you uncomfortable, or, or do anything that— That you— 

**ARCHIVIST**  
You aren’t going to make me uncomfortable. 

**MARTIN**  
_(begging, breathless)_ You’re _sure?_

 **ARCHIVIST**  
I am.

[MARTIN GASPS, HIS BREATH SHUDDERING. THERE IS THE FAINT SOUND OF THE BED CREAKING.]

 **ARCHIVIST (CONT’D)**  
There you go. _(hesitates)_ I don’t think it would be… kind of me to ask any difficult questions right now. But what else do you need?

 **MARTIN**  
_(voice shaking)_ Just— Just don’t stop, please. And don’t stop watching.

 **ARCHIVIST**  
I think I should be able to manage that. Anything else?

 **MARTIN**  
_(gasping)_ No, I, I— _Jon—_

 **ARCHIVIST**  
There you go. I’ve got you.

[FOR SEVERAL SECONDS, THERE IS ONLY THE SOUND OF MARTIN BREATHING.]

 **MARTIN**  
_(unsteadily)_ I— That’s— _(inhale)_ Oh, hell, I didn’t even think— Sorry about that, I’ll, I’ll get something to clean up.

[THERE IS THE SOUND OF BODIES SHIFTING ON THE MATTRESS.]

 **ARCHIVIST**  
No you don’t, or at least, I’m coming with you.

 **MARTIN**  
_(embarrassed)_ Jon, I’m trying to take care of you.

 **ARCHIVIST**  
Yes, well, _I’m_ trying to take care of _you._ So you should lie back down and let me do that.

 **MARTIN**  
I don’t think that’s the way that’s supposed to work, you know. _(hesitates)_ And you’re—?

 **ARCHIVIST**  
Just fine. You?

 **MARTIN**  
_(audibly smiling)_ Never better.

[PAUSE.]

 **MARTIN (CONT’D)**  
Hang on. Is— Is that thing _recording?_

 **ARCHIVIST**  
_(slowly)_ It… is. 

[HORRIFIED SILENCE.]

 **ARCHIVIST (CONT’D)**  
I know I didn’t turn it on.

 **MARTIN**  
Well, I didn’t either. It… _(heavy sigh)_ It’s fine. I’ll take care of it later. I’ll find you a statement to read, or I’ll dig up a poem to record or something.

 **ARCHIVIST**  
Actually… don’t.

 **MARTIN**  
What? You do realize it recorded all of… _that._

 **ARCHIVIST**  
Yes, I’m aware. But I think it might be interesting to go back over it together.

 **MARTIN**  
_(laugh)_ You can’t be telling me you need your memory refreshed already.

 **ARCHIVIST**  
No, no, not at all. I remember it all very… vividly.

[THERE IS THE SOUND OF A LONG, SLOW KISS.]

 **ARCHIVIST (CONT’D)**  
There’s no rush, of course. But later. Maybe after some tea. We can go and play the tape back, together. And that way I can sit and watch you while you listen to it very, very closely… and that way, you can tell me every single thing you think.

[TAPE CLICKS OFF.]

**Author's Note:**

> [Tumblr](https://spockandawe.tumblr.com/post/190656430001/so-long-and-lost-spockandawe-the-magnus)/[Twitter](https://twitter.com/spockandawe/status/1224924018773504000)


End file.
